Inspired

I recently fell down a rabbit hole of fat-girl fashion blogs.  Even though the majority of these blogs are written by women 10+ years younger than me, I have found them inspiring.

I have always been "big" but managed it fine, losing weight here and there when I really put my mind to it, but as I get older this gets harder.  I am finding the effects of age on my body is making the weight worse.  Meaning even though I may be at the same weight, I'm fatter. 

I lost some weight last year, about 30lbs under doctor supervision.  The pills and shots made me feel horrible and like a drug addict.  It made it simple to lose weight because I couldn't eat.  Some days I felt like a robot and my teeth hurt all the time.  But, I lost the weight quickly like in 3 months and kept it off for about 5 months.  Now it's all come back and I am trying to lose some weight on my own.  It's hard.  Harder than ever.  The reason I went to the doctor last year was because I was unable to "kickstsart" any kind of weight loss on my own.

I keep saying to myself, oh if I can lose 10lbs on my own then I can go back to the dr, but also knowing that if I could lose ten on my own that I don't need the dr.  So, I'm torn.  I feel like I know what to do to drop some lbs, but can't seem to do it.

frustrating.

The point of this post was supposed to be about how happy it makes me and how good the blogs made me feel and how thrilled I am to see so many women who are confident and feel good about themselves, but I can't help feeling it's all a bit contrived.  I keep trying to liken it to the riot-girl zines of the 90s, but they are falling short.  I really like that there are these online support communities and that women are cheering for each other and supporting each other.  There are a few sites I have read that are all hey hey fast revolution now!  but most are just fashion blogs, which is fine and I LOVE reading fashion blogs and seeing what other people wear.

What's my point?  I don't know.  Sometimes this whole living in public thing doesn't sit well with me.  I know that I am censoring myself here on this post even though I doubt it will be read.  Everyone is having a public/private experience and I guess I want to make sure that everyone is having a genuine experience along with that.  Private thoughts and moments are wonderful.

Yesterday

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of Swimmy and I meeting each other.  He makes me feel loved and fulfilled every day.

I never imagined that I would have such a strong loving relationship.  I want to write some really profound statement about the nature of love and how surprising life can be, but that wouldn't explain it.  Instead let me simply say, I love you Michael Swimmy Webb, you make my life better in every way.

I don't just feel like the luckiest person in town, I am the luckiest person in town.

Casa Bianca

Free spumoni, house-made sausage and meatballs
fucking yum
Why did I let Swimmy take all of the leftovers?

San Jacinto

Swimmy and I spent the weekend with his family in San Jacinto.  They are genuinely nice people who truly enjoy each other's company.  It is so different from my family and so refreshing! 

Mad Dog is gone

My very weird cat Mad Dog passed away in the night.  When I got up this morning, around 8, he was cold and stiff.  He hadn't been doing well for a while.  Swimmy and I had been discussing putting him to sleep for a number of weeks now.  I told Swim that we had a problem last night when Maddie didn't eat his dinner.

Before we went to sleep, I picked him up and put him in the cat bed at the foot of our bed.  When I awoke, he was in the same position that I had placed him in the night before.  I am glad that I grabbed him and that we were all together throughout the night.

This was a long time coming and I felt prepared.  I didn't want to touch him, but I had to put him in a box.  I took him over to Swimmy's and we are going to bury him after he gets home from work. 

I always said that Mad Dog was the nicest cast I had ever met.  He never bit or scratched me.  He was pure love, even though he was a total pain in the ass.  He used to wrap his tail over Trixie's back even though she didn't know he was there.

I learned a lot from that kitty, I used to say that all he wanted to do was spread his message of universal love and understanding.  Now, I suppose he can do so.  I am so glad that Swimmy wants to bury him in the yard, this way we can all be together even after the move.

Goodnight, Mr Shriekypants, your dancers will miss you and so will I.

pictures would help

I am trying to think about the blogs that I enjoy reading.  Then I realized I don't really read blogs, I pretty much just look at the pictures posted. 

So, next post will include pictures.  It will be good.

I succumb to the presssure.

It has been recommended to me that I start a blog.  So, here's me starting somewhere. 

This is meant to be a design blog, charting the progress of Swimmy and I's new home and a fitness/food blog discussing my challenges as a fat runner. 

I imagine there will also be a fair amount about cats and my hair as well.

For now, I'm just talking to myself.