Inspired

I recently fell down a rabbit hole of fat-girl fashion blogs.  Even though the majority of these blogs are written by women 10+ years younger than me, I have found them inspiring.

I have always been "big" but managed it fine, losing weight here and there when I really put my mind to it, but as I get older this gets harder.  I am finding the effects of age on my body is making the weight worse.  Meaning even though I may be at the same weight, I'm fatter. 

I lost some weight last year, about 30lbs under doctor supervision.  The pills and shots made me feel horrible and like a drug addict.  It made it simple to lose weight because I couldn't eat.  Some days I felt like a robot and my teeth hurt all the time.  But, I lost the weight quickly like in 3 months and kept it off for about 5 months.  Now it's all come back and I am trying to lose some weight on my own.  It's hard.  Harder than ever.  The reason I went to the doctor last year was because I was unable to "kickstsart" any kind of weight loss on my own.

I keep saying to myself, oh if I can lose 10lbs on my own then I can go back to the dr, but also knowing that if I could lose ten on my own that I don't need the dr.  So, I'm torn.  I feel like I know what to do to drop some lbs, but can't seem to do it.

frustrating.

The point of this post was supposed to be about how happy it makes me and how good the blogs made me feel and how thrilled I am to see so many women who are confident and feel good about themselves, but I can't help feeling it's all a bit contrived.  I keep trying to liken it to the riot-girl zines of the 90s, but they are falling short.  I really like that there are these online support communities and that women are cheering for each other and supporting each other.  There are a few sites I have read that are all hey hey fast revolution now!  but most are just fashion blogs, which is fine and I LOVE reading fashion blogs and seeing what other people wear.

What's my point?  I don't know.  Sometimes this whole living in public thing doesn't sit well with me.  I know that I am censoring myself here on this post even though I doubt it will be read.  Everyone is having a public/private experience and I guess I want to make sure that everyone is having a genuine experience along with that.  Private thoughts and moments are wonderful.